How to Train Your Dragon Breath Dog

My grandma is convinced she can train her new dog to be better behaved using a combination of logic and soft spoken words. Sometimes I actually suspect my Grandma believes Shaggy can understand full length sentences as she slowly explains to him how he ought to behave. He will happily listen as he stares at her with his big brown eyes, but what he hears is probably a whole lot of blah-blah blah blah blah. Shaggy is six years old, but you might think he is still a puppy by his level of energy. He is now in his third or fourth home (we're not quite sure) and he needs a lot of work.

Shaggy's biggest fault is one that can be difficult to take issue with: he loves us inconsolably. We can never give him enough love. Shaggy's need to be acknowledged and given attention is obsessive. He will follow us around the house, often tripping on our back heels. Wherever we are sitting seems to be the exact place he wants to be sitting as well. He is a one-hundred pound dog that would gladly sit right in my lap if I would let him (sometimes I do because it's cute for a second before it becomes painful).

Shaggy demonstrates his affection for us in another, less tolerable way. His tongue seems to have a mind of its own. He often reminds me of a reptile when he strikes within licking distance. His big slobbery tongue flicks in and out of his mouth constantly, as if he is tasting the air like a serpent. It makes it very difficult to give him a loving pat without getting a sleeve covered in a slimy layer of dog slobber. As sweet as he is probably trying to be, we have been trying to train this trait out of him. I think he is starting to realize that we are much more likely to give him affection if the seemingly uncontrollable tongue stays in his mouth.

Besides the sound of a tongue ferociously lapping, there are a few other ways to tell if Shaggy is near, you know, besides looking around... One method is catching a whiff of the fishy smell of dog breath. The other is the sudden feeling that one of your butt cheeks is rapidly heating. That would be Shaggy panting right behind me. He always pants, even when he appears to be very relaxed.

Shaggy dog exhibiting his panting skills